I realised I have been writing about some of my latest trips to Bosnia on another blog. Well, it’s a topic very dear to my heart, so I will post the links here as well.
Month: November 2022
Just hold my hand
Around 20 years ago I was involved in a car accident. Thankfully, it didn’t end up being that serious but somehow it left quite a scar on me. I started being afraid to travel by car, especially on highways, and pretty much dreaded the thought of entering a vehicle. It was quite unfortunate as at the time I was involved in humanitarian trips and bringing much needed help to the many refugee camps in Croatia, which resulted from the tragic war in former Yugoslavia. My heart was torn, on one side fear and self-preservation, on the other side a desire to help people who had it much worse than me. Generally and thankfully the later prevailed, but oh, was it a torture to enter that van! Till the last minute I would try to find some excuse why someone else could go instead of me and when that option failed I would get in the van, (I was usually a co driver) suffer and cringe all the way to destination, sometimes my eyes were closed all the way and I would often break out in a cold sweat. Yes, something like a panic attack that lasted the 5 or 6 hours the trip took.
My family and coworkers were aware of my state and they would often try to help, pray for me, humor me, whatever they could do, but their attempts just seemed to make matters worse. I was especially turned off whenever someone would act surprised or tried to minimize my fear with comments such as: “But it’s nothing, what are you worrying about? “ I felt so alone in my pain, as if no one could really understand what I was going through. I felt so silly to experience such nonsense, so humiliated every time.
I just couldn’t find a way out.
The thing went on for a couple of years and eventually these panic attacks subsided, surely thanks to many prayers and encouragement.
One turning point I remember with fondness was when things got really bad and I had to sit on the back seat of the van, as I couldn’t even look at the road ahead. At one point my 14-year-old son sat beside me and whispered: “Just hold my hand”. That’s all. I held his hand for the rest of the trip, no words, just this simple act.
Needless to say, I was moved to tears. A young boy had found the key to reach out to my helpless state, calm me down and simply comfort me. No words, no judgment, no nothing, just empathy and comfort. Exactly what I needed and what helped bring about my healing.
A few months later I happened to meet a young man who was also suffering of panic attacks, so you can imagine how my heart went out to him! I totally related to his trials and did my best to “pass the favor”.
To this day, I still travel monthly down that highway that used to cause me such pain and fear and I’m tempted to smile at the silliness of it all. But I really can’t, as it was in those moments that I experienced how much love and comfort holding someone’s hand can bring.
The Love Log 